


Training Chimps and Pavlov's Dogs

by SumthinClever



Series: Until Death  Do Us Part [9]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Parent Fic, Pavlov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-06 02:34:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8731411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SumthinClever/pseuds/SumthinClever
Summary: Why did Theo have to ask so many questions? It all led to...





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GeekishChic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekishChic/gifts).



> As always, for Cami.

“Why is the sky blue?”  
“Why is the ocean green?”  
“Why are girls different than boys?”  
“How does the telephone work?”  
“Why is Papa taller than you?”  
“Why do I have to have a bath?”  
“Why do we have hair?”  
Why? Why? Why?

Theo was at that _joyous_ age of five and had _questions_ , where anything and everything piqued his interest and he had to know about it. Now. Some were a bit difficult to answer- “Where do babies come from?” “Er…”- but most were the kind one could answer without too much thought.

But being the son of one Sherlock Holmes and one John Watson, his questions couldn’t stay innocent for long. Soon he started asking about the rate of decomposition on particular body parts and what chemicals he could combine to make the biggest explosion and what the effect of an altered diet of, say, non-lethal chemical-soaked breadcrumbs would have on the resident ducks at Hyde Park and what precise angle he would need to aim to hit the pesky bird that sang outside his window in the mornings with his water pistol.

These questions caused John…concern, because of Theo’s age, but he had to accept it as a direct side effect of who Theo was and whom he grew up around. Had he come out any other way, that would have been the shock.

There didn’t seem to be any specific rhyme or reason to Theo’s questions until Sherlock read to him from one of John’s psychology books about Pavlov and his development on classical conditioning. Then Theo had to know how Pavlov trained the dogs to salivate to not only the presence of food, but anything that came to be associated with it.

To foster this interest, Sherlock researched similar studies to present to Theo, to his delight. He learned that while Americans were partial to nappies until toddlerhood, some African and Asian peoples actually started potty training their babies in infancy using classical conditioning. In Africa’s Digo tribe, the mothers are almost in constant contact with the babies. When they notice the infant needs to relieve itself, they pull the child from their chest and make a humming or whistling sound as the child dispels. They do this enough that the child learns to associate the hum or whistle with relief and are trained to go to the loo on command and hold their bladders until then.

He also learned about psychologist John B. Watson (Sherlock’s idea of a joke) and how he conditioned a baby dubbed Little Albert to fear a formerly neutral stimulus- a white rat- and anything that resembled it- the fur on a coat, a Santa Claus beard- by pairing the rat with a loud, jarring noise. That experiment worried Theo and put John on alert until Sherlock agreed, grudgingly, not to conduct any such experiment on their son.

But all the conditioning fueled Theo’s imagination. He wanted to know if he could train an animal to react to something. He tried on the neighbour’s pet parrot, but it didn’t take how he wanted. The bird just kept repeating everything he said. The neighbourhood animals didn’t make as good of test subjects because one was never sure it was the same squirrel or duck or bird the original stimulus was introduced to. The trials seemed to be a bust.

After about a week of Theo not trying to condition anything else, John figured he had given up the pursuit and moved on to the next interest.

When, the following week, John and Sherlock were called to Theo’s primary school, they were a bit confused. They weren’t often called to the school except for the usual conferences and what-not. Any minor mischief Theo engaged in, and really, that couldn’t honestly be avoided, was usually settled with a call or a note home. They weren’t the strictest of parents, particularly Sherlock, who was often just as guilty as Theo when mischief found them together, but Theo knew to keep his more destructive tendencies at home.

John and Sherlock entered Theo’s classroom to see the kids eating their snack, all save Theo, whom was sat aside in the Time Out area. John shot him a LOOK before proceeding to the teacher’s desk while Sherlock seemed to be watching the children with a mildly confused expression.

John put on his best Get His Boys Out of Trouble face, which he had nearly perfected over his years with Sherlock, but which he’d turned into an absolute science after adding Theo to the mix.

John approached the teacher’s desk and smiled his most charming. Theo’s teacher, Ms. Abernethy, did not look amused. John suspected she was far too inured to the look from Theo, one of John’s traits that he’d picked up that John was both rather proud and fearful of.

“Mr. Holmes-Watson, are you aware that Theodore has been conducting experiments on his fellow pupils?” she asked, blunt and deadpan.

John’s face blanked in his confusion. “What?”

His mind was racing with all the things Theo could have been doing to his classmates. They all appeared whole and unharmed so there probably wouldn’t be any impending lawsuits from aggrieved parents.

“Er… what did he do?” John hedged, not confirming or denying the allegation. It was far too plausible.

Just then, Sherlock joined them and jumped immediately into the conversation with, “I noticed the students are eating their snack an half hour earlier than normal.”

There was question in his tone, but also an undercurrent. John recognised it as Sherlock already having worked out the answer, but testing whatever unfortunate individual he happened to be questioning.

"Exactly, Mr. Holmes-Watson,” she directed at Sherlock. “A perfect segue into my point. Have you all been teaching Theodore about classical conditioning?” She said this with accusation in her voice, as if she, too, knew the answer to the question she’d posed. True teacher fashion.

John, not being as quick as Sherlock but still plenty bright, could very easily see where this was going, even if he hadn’t yet worked out the particulars.

“Yeeessss….,” he said, as if drawing out the word would delay the full weight of Theo’s charges being laid down. He could see Sherlock beside him just beaming in that proud way he did whenever Theo did anything particularly brilliant. Sometimes that included simply breathing.

Ms. Abernethy narrowed her eyes at Sherlock, clearly assuming him the guiltier party here.

“Are you aware, then, that Theodore has been training his classmates like chimps to react in a particular way at the sound of a bell?”

She left the question hanging in the air, no doubt thinking they were well aware of what Theo had been getting up to. Sherlock’s proud beam, which had been knocked up a few notches at the trained chimps comment, was not aiding in their plausible deniability.

John wanted to say “no,” but when he opened his mouth the only think that slipped out was a feeble “How?”

But before Ms. Abernethy could even fix her face to reply, Sherlock was on a deductive roll.

“Isn’t it obvious, John?” he began eagerly. “Every day the students have snack at 10:30a.m. Theo has been ringing this bell he’s found right when Ms. Abernethy announces snack. You do this repeatedly for awhile and the children begin relating the bell to snack time and not just the announcement. Theo evidently rang the bell early today, and the children, liked trained chimpanzees as Ms. Abernethy so eloquently put it, reacted how they’re used to reacting when this bell is sound and collected their snack.”

Sherlock turned his smile on the object of his adoration. Theo, watching them, cracked a small smile apparently seeing that his Papa was happy with him rather than cross. John made sure to glower at _both_ of them lest Theo think that what he did was acceptable or that he was off the hook just because Sherlock didn’t seem as if he were likely to punish their wayward child. Let it be known that John certainly would. He knew well how it felt to be the guinea pig to Sherlock’s experiments unwittingly, thanks ever so.

Though he could admit, if only to himself, that he was pretty proud of Theo, too. Animals might not be his forte, but he could manipulate people just like his father and it was just John’s luck that he himself was trained to see this fault through the virtuous light of his affections.

He turned his most commiserating smile onto Ms. Abernethy as someone else who had to deal with another unruly Holmes-Watson boy.

John offered her his apologies on his son’s behalf and promised better conduct in future while Sherlock walked off to converse with Theo. John could tell it was congratulations rather than scoldings by the way Theo turned his own beaming smile upon his Papa and started speaking in that quick way he had when they were discussing a shared scientific interest and had to get his million and one thoughts out. Theo was one of very few people Sherlock let speak uninterrupted.

John offered one more sympathetic smile Ms. Abernethy’s way before walking off to join his husband and child. John had to check the fond smile he felt trying to form on his face seeing the two boys he loved most so happy interacting together. He instead slipped on his best scowl, the one he’d patented, perfect for reproofs, rebukes, reprimands, and reproaches.

Theo’s smile dimmed considerably when John came into his line of sight and his words immediately cut off. John almost felt bad for banking that bit of light that he usually fed off of, but he couldn’t let Theo go unpunished and Sherlock surely wasn’t the one to do it this time.

“Daddy,” Theo began… and ended. He clearly didn’t know where to go from there and probably couldn’t honestly express proper remorse for something that so pleased him.

John raised his eyebrow, a sign both his boys had learned to be well wary of. “Theodore,” he said.

And that, his full name said in a tone that promised retribution, was Theo’s cue to start enumerating all the excuses he could name.

John listened with half an ear to the half-baked reasoning while Sherlock could be heard in the background dismissing the poorer stories and offering more plausible alternatives in their stead.

“Enough,” John said after a hefty eye roll. “Theo, where is your snack?”

“Ms. Abernethy said I couldn’t eat it until the proper time and I was to sit in Time Out until then.”

“Well it’s about 10:30 now. Go get it, apologise to your teacher, and rejoin your class,” he said, and swatted Theo lightly on the bum as he went to do as bid.

“He is actually rather brilliant,” Sherlock interjected into the silence left in Theo’s wake.

“Oi. Do _not_ encourage him in this. I know you get off on manipulating people, but it is not acceptable to do it to kids.”

“He was hardly hurting them, John.”

“No, but we are not setting this precedent. Enough.”

Sherlock huffed but acquiesced. John hoped his own immovable look quelled the bit of mutiny he saw spark in Sherlock’s eyes.

“You know we have to punish him, right?”

“Oh, what for?” Sherlock groused. “He did good!”

“No, Sherlock. Training your peers like primates is a bit not good, actually.”

“But we do it all the time at the Yard! Lestrade is the perfect puppet.”

“I’m telling him you said that. And no, godfather to our son and guy who gave the Best Man speech at our wedding, for _both of us_ , is not your puppet.”

“Oh fine. Just take the joy out of everything.”

“And I’m about to take a lot more. No more experiments for a week.”

“What?! John that is patently unfair. He was just testing a theory. It’s how we learn!”

“I meant for either of you, Mr. Offer Better Excuses.”

“WHAT?! That is just cruel and unusual-“

“And a _just_ punishment. One that will have the biggest impact. And I could make it longer to equate to all the time he was training his classmates. But I’m sure we could find you two something to do in the meantime. 221B has been looking rather dirty of late. I think a proper clean is just what the doctor ordered.”

Seeing Sherlock groan as if he were experiencing misery of the acutest kind, and watching how Theo’s face contorted in terror after catching the tortured look on his Papa and the malicious glee on his Daddy, John rubbed his hands together and smirked. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”

**Author's Note:**

> The plot for this was stolen shamelessly from tumblr user borkyno, whose life story I took and set in another universe. It's hilarious. Look: Original post: http://flapperwitch.tumblr.com/post/137847602612/borkyno-borkyno-have-i-told-you-guys-about
> 
> If anyone knows this user with a deleted account, show him this. XD!


End file.
